I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
