I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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