i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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