two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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