Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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