I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize