Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
