My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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