My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
