GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
