I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
