Me. At least after what I've been through.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
