Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
