I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
