Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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