im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
