On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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