I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
