the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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