WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
