He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
