My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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