Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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