I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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