I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
