Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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