can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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