Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
