Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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