this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
