he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
