It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
