Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
