i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
