My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
