sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
