Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
