just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
foreskin is a definite game changer
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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