I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
