remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
