She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
