He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
