So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
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