I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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