he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize