Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
