She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
