It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
