This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
