She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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