i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize