Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
she peed on how many people?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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