wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
