on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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