I hope mine doesn't look like that
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
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