I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
