Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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