I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
