My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
