dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
