Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
