thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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